UPDATE 1/5/2018: New Lois Einhorn website and content! View it here!
EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - NIGHT
The stadium is now completely empty. Snowflake peacefully swims around his tank.
Suddenly, the water is illuminated by the headlights of an n.d. panel truck.
The rear door slides open. Two men jump out in wet suits.
They slip into the water while a third waits outside the tank.
Snowflake surfaces to check out the action. One of the men holds out a fish. Snowflake eagerly takes it, then shudders as a large syringe is stuck into his back. Snowflake thrashes around.
Quick cut of a hand with the blur of a ring slamming against the tank. But the needle has done its job. Snowflake quickly goes limp.
Snowflake is loaded into the back of the truck. Move in on Snowflake's face. His excited cackle has turned into a painful whimper.
The truck skids away passing the guard gate. The guard is hog tied and gagged, struggling to free himself.
Ace walks to the desk of EMILIO ECHAVEZ, a young energetic member of the homicide division. Ace has a silly impish look on his face.
ACE (playfully) I miss you.
EMILIO It's not a good time, Ace. If Einhorn sees me talking to you I'm gonna be history.
ACE Okay. Just tell me what you got on Snowflake. That's all I need.
EMILIO …I can't say anything. My hands are tied.
SOUNDS LIKE MY KIND OF A PARTY.
A cop comes to Emilio's desk.
LOOK ALIVE, EINHORN'S ON HER WAY DOWN.
EMILIO Ace, please?!
ACE Just tell me who's working the case?
ACE Aguado?! He's pimple juice! He's the poster child for lead paint chip eaters!
EMILIO Look, Ace. We're a little busy with murderers and drug dealers. A missing dolphin isn't exactly a high priority.
The elevator is getting closer.
EMILIO Ace, gimme a break will ya?
Ace nonchalantly sits back in a chair, pops a sunflower seed into his mouth and cracks it loudly.
EMILIO (quickly) Okay, okay. We checked all the local animal rights groups, taxidermists, and we're running a check through DMV on all recent van rentals. So far, nada.
ACE Any unusual bets being made?
EMILIO Ace, it's the Super Bowl, of course there's bets being made.
ACE What'd you find out about the tank?
EMILIO Nothing weird. Just the tire tracks and the exit route. The guard didn't see anything.
ACE That's it?
EMILIO That's it. I swear. Now please go away!
ACE You know something? (again impish) YOU'RE NICE!
Ace gets up and exits the room. Then just as Emilio sighs with relief, Ace pops back in.
ACE What about crazy Philly fans?
The elevator bell rings. Out steps police LT. LOIS EINHORN, mid 30s, with a slender build, a great pair of legs and a bad tude.
ACE Holy Testicle Tuesday!
EINHORN (to Emilio) What the hell is he doing here?
ACE I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
EINHORN Spare me the routine, Ventura. I know you're working the Snowflake case. May I suggest you yield to the experts on this one? We'll find the porpoise.
ACE (mock relief) Whewww… now I feel better!
Ace turns to go.
ACE (CONT) Of course, that might not do any good. You see, nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common Harbor Porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth, and a triangular thorasic fin, while the Bottlenose Dolphin, or Tursiops Truncatus, has an elongated beak, round, cone-shaped teeth, and a distinctive serrated dorsal appendage. (beat) But I'm sure you already knew that. (beat) That's what turns me on about you. Hey… maybe I'll give you a call sometime, lieutenant. Your number still 911? Alrighty then!
Podactor's 'Suicide' Investigation
EXT. HIGH RISE APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Chaos. Police, lights flashing, paramedics, crowds of people.
Ace and Melissa see Roger Podacter's body taken away in an ambulance.
ACE You okay?
Melissa nods bravely. Emilio joins them.
ACE What'd you find?
EMILIO Podacter, Roger. Routine suicide. He was alone. He'd been drinking. No sign of a struggle. Neighbor heard him scream on the way down. Just your classic fifteen story swan dive.
Melissa shudders. Ace gives Emilio a "way to go" look.
INT. HIGHRISE LOBBY - NIGHT
The three enter. Emilio pushes the button for the elevator.
MELISSA It just seems so out of character. He was going to retire in two years.
ACE Did he leave a note?
The elevator arrives.
EMILIO No. That's nothing unusual. Some do, some don't. He didn't. The elevator doors close.
INT. PODACTOR'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
Police are everywhere. Emilio, Ace and Melissa enter and are immediately approached by one of the officers.
EMILIO Miss Robinson, this is officer Carlson.
CARLSON Evening, ma'am. I wonder if you could answer a few questions about the deceased?
Ace slips away, we follow him as he eavesdrops on conversations.
NEIGHBOR (to a cop)
I told you, I was across the hall in my apartment, I heard a scream. The door was locked, so I called the manager…
The Manager reiterates her story to the cop. The Manager is about 100 years old.
MANAGER …The place was empty, except for the damn dog in the other room. Then I opened the balcony door, looked over the railing, and… splat, bang, pancake time…
Ace, continuing his investigation notices…
in perfect order.
Next, he notices police coming in and out of the balcony, closing the door behind them, shutting out the noise.
INT. PODACTER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
A dog is cowering in the corner. Ace tries to comfort the little guy.
ACE Hey, fella, have a bad night?
Ace examines its paws.
Ace then gets down and finds scratches in the door. TWO FEET interrupt.
Ace stands. He is face to face with Einhorn.
EINHORN Who let Dr. Doolittle in?
Emilio steps in immediately.
EMILIO Ah, Lieutenant. He came with Miss Robinson –
EINHORN This is official police business. We'll let you know if the coroner finds any ticks.
EMILIO I just thought since Melissa –
ACE E, forget it. She's right. Besides, I wouldn't want someone tracing my steps and pointing out all the mistakes I made.
Ace crosses to…
EXT. PODACTER'S BALCONY - CONT
Ace examines the area. Einhorn is in hot pursuit.
EINHORN Oh, so, you don't think this in an obvious suicide, Mr. Pet Detective?
ACE Well, I wouldn't say that. Lord knows, there is plenty of evidence here to support your theory, except of course that spot of blood on the balcony.
On the railing, sure enough, there is a tiny spot of blood.
Einhorn glares at a couple of nearby cops. They look down.
ACE May I tell you what I think happened? Alrighty then!
Ace moves as he talks.
ACE Roger Podacter went out after work. He had a few drinks, and he came home. But he wasn't alone. Someone was with him in this apartment. There was a struggle, and then Roger Podacter was thrown over that balcony. Roger Podacter didn't commit suicide. He was murdered.
A beat as everyone considers this.
EINHORN Well, that's a very entertaining story, but real detectives have to worry about that little thing lawyers call evidence.
Ace picks up a lottery ticket on Podacter's desk and becomes a condescending kid show host.
ACE Let's take a trip to clue corner, shall we? Can anyone tell me why a man buys a lottery ticket on the day he is going to commit suicide? Or why the family pet, suffering from acute canine trauma, clawed at the bedroom door until his paws bled? How about the blood on the railing? I'll bet if we put our thinking caps on we'll see that it was the result of the struggle that took place inside this apartment while Mr. Podacter was still alive!
NEXT TIME YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE COME ON BACK TO CLUE CORNER! BOOP!
Everyone looks to Einhorn.
EINHORN Not a bad try for a pet detective, but not near conclusive enough for us real investigators.
First, people buy lottery tickets everyday. It's a habit. It doesn't prove a thing. Second, the dog wasn't suffering from canine trauma, he was suffering from bladder trauma. Sergeant Neilson found a piss stain as big as Lake Huron near the bed. And third, the blood on the railing. Simple. He doesn't jump far enough and whacks his head. A fact confirmed by the paramedics who found cuts on his scalp, with traces of a white chalky substance. i.e. plaster from the balcony.
Einhorn shows Ace the paramedics report. Everyone is impressed with Einhorn.
EINHORN So much for your murder, Ventura.
AGUADO Uh oh, I think I heard a toilet flush. Maybe someone lost their turtle?
Everyone has a laugh. Ace looks beaten.
ACE Well, maybe I'm just a little out of my league, here. Einhorn…
Ace holds out his hand, Einhorn shakes it.
ACE …good work.
Ace and Melissa head for the door.
ACE Oh, there is just one more thing, Lieutenant.
(re: the neighbor)
This man is Roger Podacter's neighbor. He lives across the hall. He said he heard a scream, is that right, sir?
The neighbor nods. Ace turns to the apartment manager.
ACE And you said you had to open the balcony door when you keyed into the room?
MANAGER That's right.
Ace walks out onto the balcony and turns, facing them.
ACE You're certain you had to open this door?
EINHORN What's the point, Ventura?
ACE Only this… AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW…
Ace sustains an incredible Pavorati note, while he repeatedly opens and closes the glass door between them. When the door is closed nothing can be heard.
ACE (tapping the door)
This is double paned, sound- proofed glass. There's no way this neighbor could have heard Podacter scream on the way down with this door shut. The scream he heard came from inside this apartment, before Podacter was thrown over the railing! And the muderer closed the door before he left!
Yes! Yesss! I have exorcised the demons!
(a la Poltergeist)
This house is clear.
Who the Hell is That?
INT. ACE'S CAR - A SHORT TIME LATER
Ace drives straight ahead.
MELISSA What are you thinking?
ACE I'm thinking this whole thing is connected somehow. (frustrated) I'm thinking I want to find that other ring!
MELISSA You checked all the rings.
ACE I know, Pessimistress. Could anyone else have gotten a ring that year?
MELISSA No. Camp was the only honoree. Just players and coaches. Everyone in the photo.
ACE …Receipts! There must be receipts! You have a key to the office.
MELISSA Ace this has been a really tough day. Can't we do this in the morning?
Ace looks at his watch.
EXT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - 1:00 AM
Ace's car screeches to a stop, in front of the building. Ace jumps out, followed by Melissa.
INT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY - NIGHT
It's dark. Team pictures adorn the walls.
MELISSA (O.S.) These files go back to seventy- eight.
INT. DOLPHIN OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Ace is flipping through a file cabinet, looking at receipts. Melissa is starting to warm to him.
MELISSA That was pretty impressive, what you did back at the apartment.
ACE (still looking) You don't have to tell me. I was there.
MELISSA Maybe you should have joined the police force… become a real detective.
ACE (shaking his head) I don't do humans.
Melissa gets a bit closer.
MELISSA You really love animals, don't you?
Ace stops searching and looks into her eyes.
ACE I feel a kinship with them. I understand them. Wanna hear something kinda spooky?
She gets closer still.
ACE One time, when I was about twelve, I had this dream that I was being followed by a dog with rabies. He had these really bloodshot eyes and foam coming out of his mouth… and just before I got to my front door… he jumped on me and sunk his teeth in. Then I woke up, and felt the back of my neck… check this out.
Ace motions for Melissa to feel the back of his neck, but when she does, he snaps at her hand, barking like a vicious dog.
Melissa jumps out of her skin.
MELISSA Ohhh!! You bastard!
ACE (snickering) I'm sorry. I couldn't stop myself. Are these all the receipts?
MELISSA (mildly annoyed) I don't know.
ACE There's only a dozen of them here.
Ace turns from the file cabinet with a hopeless look on his face. Melissa begins to clean up his mess.
Gee… maybe they were misplaced because somebody didn't put the files back when he was…
ACE Who the hell is that?
Ace crosses to a big picture of the '82 team that hangs on the aadjacent wall and points out a player.
ACE That! Who the hell is that?!
He quickly pulls out his crossed out pictures of the team and begins to compare the two.
MELISSA Oh, that's Ray Finkle… the kicker. Don't you know who Ray Finkle is?
ACE No! How come he's not in this picture?!
Melissa checks Ace's photo.
MELISSA This was the picture you were using? This was taken earlier in the year. Finkle wasn't added to the roster till mid-season.
She starts to realize what Ace has already figured out.
MELISSA (CONT'D) He's the guy that missed the final field goal in the Super Bowl that year. Cost the Dolphins the game.
ACE But he got a ring?
INT. STADIUM/PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICE - LATER
Ace and Melissa look through Finkle's file on a microfiche screen. Newspaper articles, headshots flash before them…
MELISSA 'Replacement Kicker Having Great Year'… 'Ready For Super Bowl, Confident Kicker Boasts'.
ACE 'Field Goal Sails Wide, Dolphins Lose Super Bowl'.
MELISSA The kick heard round the world. That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.
Another headline hits the screen: FINKLE CONTRACT NOT RENEWED.
MELISSA Poor guy.
ACE Poor guy with a motive, baby. Where is he now?
MELISSA Last I heard, he went back to his home town, Collier County. He used to work in a bar up there.
ACE (pondering) REHEHEALLY.
MELISSA Can you drop me off before you go?
ACE (shaking his head) No way. It may not be safe at your apartment, and you shouldn't be left alone.
MELISSA What do you suggest?
Finkle's Home Town
EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY
Various traveling shots of Ace en route to a 'Deliverance' type town deep in the Everglades. A sign reads "Gas - Food - 2 Miles" but the word "Food" is crossed out.
INT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - DAY
A pitifully sad country song plays on the radio. FERN BILBO sits at his cluttered desk with the end of an old shotgun in his mouth. He is struggling to reach the trigger.
Through the glass behind him, we see Ace's car pull up to the only gasoline pump.
DING! The bell rings. Fern begrudgingly takes the gun out of his mouth, sets it down and walks out.
EXT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - CONT
Ace gets out of his car.
ACE Excuse me, sir. Do you know where I can find the Pigskin Sports Bar?
FERN Do I have a "kick me" sign on my back, son?
ACE I wouldn't know anything about that, but if you could point me toward the bar.
Fern breaks down, sobbing.
FERN They all left me… all of them!
ACE Well… Hypothetically speaking, say they all left you and went to the Pigskin Sports Bar. How would they have gotten there from here?
FERN Two miles down and take the first left.
ACE Thanks very much! Take care now, 'bye 'bye then!
Ace gets into his car and pulls out.
INT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - CONT
Fern enters, sits down at the desk, places the end of the shotgun in his mouth, reaches for the trigger and…
DING! Another car pulls up to the pump. Exasperated, he takes the gun out of his mouth.
FERN (murmers to himself as he gets up) Can't get anything done around here…
EXT. PIGSKIN SPORTS BAR - DAY
A weathered dive in the middle of a swamp. Ace parks.
INT PIGSKIN SPORTS BAR - DAY
If depression had a home, this is it. Several dejected men, with various degrees of missing teeth, sit around the bar. A couple hapless guys play pool. One throws darts.
Ace enters, pops a sunflower seed in his mouth and addresses the room.
ACE Excuse me, guy?! My name is Ace Ventura, I'm a pet detective. I'd like to ask you a few questions if I could.
No one even looks at him.
ACE Just a few questions, that's all.
Still no one reacts.
ACE (very up) Who wants gum?!
Again, no reaction. Ace walks over to the bartender and slides a five across the bar.
ACE I'm looking for a guy who used to work here.
The bartender takes the money.
BARTENDER That right?
ACE He was a kicker for the Dolphins. Ray Finkle.
A pool ball flies by Ace's head shattering a mirror behind the bar. All eyes are on Ace.
ACE (to guy who threw it) That would be a scratch.
TOOTHLESS GIANT You a friend of Finkle's?
ACE (thinks) …Yes?
CRASH! The giant guy smashes his bottle.
ACE Sorry, I have "say the opposite of what you mean" disease.
Several undesirables surround Ace.
TOOTHLESS GIANT That bastard ruined this town.
ACE Ewww… I hate that!
HICK #2 We bet everything we had on that Super Bowl and that son of a bitch gagged.
ACE What a diiick!
They all move closer in a threatening manner.
HICK #3 Shanked a goddamn 26 yarder!!!
ACE Death to Finkle! Death to Finkle!
The bartender steps in.
BARTENDER We had a hell of a thing going here. Tourists coming to see Ray Finkle's home town. He was standing right over there when he got the call from the Dolphins.
The bartender points to a payphone. It has had the shit beaten out of it. Every expletive you can think of is graffitied around it.
ACE Did he come back after the Super Bowl?
BARTENDER Yeah… but the boys here had ways of letting him know he wasn't welcome.
HICK #1 Excuse me, I gotta take a wicked Finkle.
TOOTHLESS GIANT What's the difference between Finkle and a jackass? A jackass can kick.
HICK #2 Why did Finkle cross the road?!
ACE (facetious) Wait… I know this one.
HICK #2 He didn't! And I've got the hair on my bumper to prove it!
Maniacal laughter and chanting ensues.
MOB FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS!
ACE It's good you're dealing with the anger. (beat) I don't suppose anyone's seen him lately?
The chanting stops and the guys all look at Ace.
BARTENDER No… but we know where his parents live! Don't we boys?!
HICK #1 Yeah! We sure do!
They all laugh insanely again.
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
Ace pulls up outside a two-story stilt house. The place has been completely desecrated by graffiti, bullet holes and paint bombs. Toilet paper is strewn through the trees. Ace walks up and knocks on the door. A wooden peephole slides open revealing a suspicious pair of eyes.
ACE …Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle.
A gun slides out into Ace's face.
ACE (with a gulp) And a clean pair of shorts.
A deep gruff voice from inside.
VOICE What do you know about Ray Finkle?
ACE Southpaw soccer style kicker. Graduated from Collier High in June, 1976. Stetson University honors graduate, class of 1980. Holds two NCAA division one records. One for most points in a season, one for distance. Former nickname The Mule. The first and only pro athlete ever to come out of Collier County. And one helluva model American.
After a beat the peephole closes. The door slowly creaks open revealing MR. FINKLE, an unsmiling, taciturn, elderly man holding the gun.
MR. FINKLE Are you another one of them scumbags from 'Hard Copy'?
ACE No, sir. I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland, sir.
Mrs. Finkle, a sweet, adorable elderly woman comes over.
MRS. FINKLE Will you put that gun down. The boy's a fan of our son. So nice to meet you. I'm Ray's mother, and this is Ray's father.
INT. FINKLE HOUSE - DAY
ACE It's a real honor.
MRS. FINKLE My Ray is so appreciative of his fans. He'll be so pleased you stopped by.
ACE Are you expecting Ray anytime soon?
MRS. FINKLE Oh, yes. I expect him home any minute.
Ace is surprised.
MRS. FINKLE Would you like some cookies? I just baked them.
Mrs. Finkle hurries off to the kitchen. Ace smiles at Mr. Finkle. The guy's a corpse.
ACE Wow… Ray Finkle's house! Can't wait to meet him!
MR. FINKLE Ray ain't comin' home.
ACE But your wife said you expect him home any minute.
MR. FINKLE She expects him home any minute.
He points to his head, and looks toward the kitchen.
Engines runnin but there's no one behind the wheel. Ten years ago our son escaped from Shady Acres Psychiatric Hospital in Tampa. They're still buggin' us to pick up his stuff.
Mrs. Finkle returns with a plate of football shaped cookies.
MRS. FINKLE (sweetly) It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball laces out, like you're supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of Gonorrhea and rot in Hell. Would you like a cookie, son?
Ace takes a cookie. Holding it up.
ACE Hey, what do ya know. They're little footballs.
MRS. FINKLE Laces OUT!
CRASH!! A large stone smashes through the window. Outside, a pickup truck filled with drunken patrons from the Pigskin Sports Bar drives by yelling their Finkle chant.
MOB FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS!…
MRS. FINKLE I told you he had a lot of fans.
Mrs. Finkle picks up the rock and hurls it out the broken window. It hits one of the vandals, knocking him out cold, as the truck peels away.
MR. FINKLE (aside to Ace)
She got the arm. The boy got the leg.
INT. HALLWAY - A SHORT TIME LATER
Mrs. Finkle and Ace are walking down the hallway to Ray's room.
MRS. FINKLE When Ray gets back and starts kicking again, he'll never even know he was gone. I kept his room just the way he left it.
She opens the door to Ray's room. Ace steps in.
INT. RAY'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
It's a death shrine to Dan Marino. Complete with lifesize cutouts of Dan Marino, some with nooses around the neck, other hacked to pieces. Painted on the walls: "Death to Marino!", Marino must die!!!, etc.
ACE …Oooh boy.
MRS. FINKLE What a sports nut, huh?
In the center of the room is a movie projector.
ACE May I?
MRS. FINKLE Oh yes. By all means.
Mrs. Finkle shuts the lights off. Ace turns on the projector.
The film flickers over the "Marino must die!!!" graffiti. It's the final play of the Super Bowl. Marino takes the snap, Finkle kicks and the ball sails wide. The film repeats itself ad infinitum.
EXT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - DAY
Ace on the payphone. We see the gas station in the background.
ACE Melissa, it's Ace.
INT. MELISSA'S OFFICE - DAY
MELISSA Ace? Where are you?
ACE I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor. Where's Dan Marino?
MELISSA Marino? Why?
ACE Because he's about to join Snowflake. I gotta know where he is.
In the background, we see two paramedics exit the gas station office rolling a dead body on a gurney. The area of the sheet that covers the face is a giant red spot. We widen to see them load good old Mr. Bilbo into an ambulance and drive away, ringing the station bell one more time. Ace doesn't notice.
MELISSA Ah, he had practice. Then… he has a commercial shoot out at the Prescott Sound Stage.
ACE Where is that?
MELISSA It's on Route One by the Six Cut Off. Thirty minutes outside of town.
ACE Okay, that's about fifteen miles from me. Call the police. Get extra security over there now.
MELISSA Ace, tell me what's going on. (beat) Ace?…
The payphone dangles off the hook. Ace is…
Telling the Cops
EXT. MIAMI - DAY
Various headlines hit the news stands: "MARINO KIDNAPPED" "STAR QB MISSING" "DAN WHERE ARE YOU?"
THE GLOBE HEADLINE: "MARINO ABDUCTED BY ALIEN FRANCHISE!" On the cover, Marino stands with several Space Aliens in football gear.
EXT. POLICE STATION - LATER THAT DAY
A chaotic press conference. Zillions of REPORTERS shout all kinds of questions at Einhorn.
REPORTER Lieutenant, have there been any ransom demands?
EINHORN There's been no communication with the kidnappers at this time.
REPORTER #2 What's going to happen to the Super Bowl? Will it be postponed?
EINHORN As of now, the game is going on as scheduled.
REPORTER #3 Why wasn't the public told about Snowflake's kidnapping?
EINHORN Secrecy was essential. We didn't want any public interference.
REPORTER Are the crimes related? And what about Roger Podacter's murder?
EINHORN I'm sorry. I can't comment any further. Now if you'll excuse me.
Einhorn pushes her way through the crowd of reporters.
INT. POLICE STATION - MOMENTS LATER
Einhorn is barking out orders to other cops as she heads for her office.
EINHORN Emilio, get me the autopsy on Podacter! Aguado, send out a memo. No one talks to the press…
INT. EINHORN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION
EINHORN …And somebody get me a cup of coffee!
ACE (TV announcer's voice)
Tonight on "MIAMI VICE", Crockett geets the boss coffee!
Ace is in her office, popping sunflower seeds, kicking back. Einhorn walks to her private bathroom.
EINHORN Ventura, when I get out of this bathroom, you better be gone.
ACE Is it number one or number two?
Einhorn turns and glares at Ace.
ACE I just want to know how much time I have.
Einhorn goes to the sink and begins washing her hands.
ACE Oh, by the way, I went ahead and solved that pesky, Snowflake/Podacter/Marino thing.
EINHORN (O.S.) (humoring him) Oh yeah?
ACE yeah, ever hear of a former Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle?
The water shuts off. Einhorn appears around the corner.
EINHORN Alright, Ventura. Make it quick.
ACE I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank. It's from a Dolphin '82 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We're talking paranoid, delusional psychosis. I saw the guy's room… Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lector.
EINHORN So how does Roger Podacter fit in?
ACE My guess is Finkle was snooping around. Podacter recognized him. End of story. As for Snowflake… they gave him Finkle's number, and taught him how to kick a field goal. Finkle took it personally.
Einhorn listens with great interest.
EINHORN So where is Finkle, now?
ACE He broke out of a metal hospital. Did a Claude Raines. He's been planning his revenge for years. Waiting for the perfect time to get back at the Dolphins. The time when it would hurt them the most. Super Bowl time! Man, I'm tired of being right!
Einhorn walks in front and sits on the edge of the desk. She's totally softened her demeanor.
EINHORN Congratulations. You've done some fine detective work, Ace.
ACE Ahh, could you talk in my good ear. I thought I heard you call me Ace.
Einhorn gets real close.
EINHORN Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe you are more than just a pet dick.
SHE SUDDENLY PLANTS A MAJOR, TONSIL CLEANING, OPEN MOUTHED KISS ON ACE. Objects are knocked off the desk as they lean back.
ACE Your gun's digging into my hip.
More kissing, the Ace stops.
EINHORN (still coming on) What's wrong, Ace? Want me to read you your rights?
ACE Maybe later.
EINHORN What is it? That bony little bitch, Melissa Robinson?
ACE (defensive) No. You just don't do anything for me.
He quickly adjusts his crotch, to conceal the erection. Einhorn withdraws with a coy smile.
EINHORN I'll be here if you ever want a real woman.
There's a sharp KNOCK at the door.
EINHORN What is it?
Aguado opens the door.
AGUADO Everything okay in here? Heard some commotion.
EINHORN Fine, Sergeant.
AGUADO You want me to throw him out?
EINHORN Why don't you throw yourself out.
AGUADO …Yes, ma'am.
A crestfallen Aguado exits. Ace heads for the door.
EINHORN Ace, I want you to leave everything to us.
ACE Can't do that, Lieutenant. I was hired to find Snowflake.
EINHORN When we find Marino, We'll deliver Snowflake.
ACE When I find Snowflake, I'll deliver Marino.
Digging Into Einhorn's Past
INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT
A full on thrash metal band is cranking on stage. Kids leap wildly into the moshing pit. The same Burnout is still thrashing his head wildly to the music.
ACE (shouting) Nice to see you again!
The Burnout just keeps thrashing. Ace spots Woodstock watching the band and joins him.
WOODSTOCK St. Francis, how's it goin'?
ACE (kidding) That's none of your damn business.
WOODSTOCK Isn't it?
ACE Is it?
WOODSTOCK Anything new on that dolphin?
ACE Got his picture on some tuna cans, but nothing so far.
A singer ROARS on stage. He sounds like a garbage disposal full of cutlery.
SINGER Arroohhghhh! Myrrrooohghhhh! Geroooghhh!
WOODSTOCK So, what can I do for you today?
ACE I need info on a football flunky named Ray Finkle.
WOODSTOCK Sorry, Ace, I can't help you right now. I gotta watch this band! They are the shit!
ACE Are they?
WOODSTOCK Aren't they?
ACE Alright then. Don't worry about it. I mean dolphins aren't exactly an endangered species. It's not like the whole food chain's gonna be affected if one highly intelligent mammal dies a slow and painful death! Hell, if the band is loud enough, you won't even hear its pitiful whimpering!!
Ace does his best suffering dolphin impression. Woodstock is no longer enjoying the band.
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
Woodstock is at his computer. Ace looks over his shoulder. Finkle's Social Security information appears on the screen.
WOODSTOCK This guy's last reported income was September, 1982.
ACE Well then. We know he's incredibly thrifty.
WOODSTOCK Is he?
ACE Isn't he?
Woodstock types in more information. Finkle's TRW flashes on the screen.
WOODSTOCK Well, I think we can be pretty sure he's involved in the kidnapping of the dolphin.
ACE Really? What makes you say that?
WOODSTOCK There's two-thousand dollars worth of smelts on his VISA card.
After a beat Ace realizes it was a bad joke.
ACE Please yank me no further. I beg of you.
WOODSTOCK Alright already. The last time this guy used his credit card was June, '84. He rented a car from Avis. And… eww… he was a bad boy. They found it abandoned two months later in South Miami.
ACE Anything else?
ACE Well… you did all you could. Thanks for nothin.
WOODSTOCK Hey man, according to this, your friend Ray Finkle doesn't exist.
ACE Hmm, I know what that's like.
WOODSTOCK Do you?
ACE Don't I?
INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT
Ace emerges from the basement. The band is between songs. Ace strolls by the burnout whose head has now stopped.
ACE (to burnout) Did you get all the spiders outta there?
Ace heads out, then freezes. The two thugs that took Marino are standing at the exit. Then they see Ace and start towards him, reaching inside their coats.
Suddenly the music starts. The burnout's head wails again. His manic gyrations interfere with the thugs long enough for Ace to bolt.
One of the thugs pushes the burnout violently against the wall as they pursue Ace.
BURNOUT (calling, as he gets up) Thanks, man! You're a great dancer!
Ace pushes his way through the crowd. The thugs follow.
Ace nears the stage. It's wild. People are diving off and getting moshed.
Before the thugs grab him, Ace runs up and throws himself from the stage. The insane crowd begins to pass him around over their heads.
The thugs exchange a look, then dive after Ace, and a "mosh" chase ensues.
Ace is passed back onto the stage as the song comes to an end. The singer is lying there exhausted. Ace sees the crowd starting to put the thugs down, so he quickly grabs the microphone off the floor.
ACE (screams) ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, SPANK ME MOMMY!!!
The audience looks at Ace for a second. Then the band members exchange a look and go for it!!
It's a nightmarish little ditty. Ace sings like one of Satan's minions.
ACE URGHHUURRAAAW! ARGHUURRRREEEW!
The crowd seems to understand. They throw the thugs high in the air again and mosh them away from the stage. The Thugs are shooting stray bullets the whole time.
Ace incites the crowd, even more now, with a punching gesture. The crowd follows their new leader, punching with one hand, moshing with the other.
The thugs get the living crap "moshed" out of them.
When the song ends, Ace raises fists in the air. The cheering crowd violently drops the thugs. They're out cold.
EXT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT Ace's car PEELS OUT and races by the parked '81 Ford Bronco.
EXT. SHADY ACRES - ESTABLISHING - DAY
A state hospital located on acres of green, manicured lawns.
INT. SHADY ACRES - DAY
The reception area. A DOCTOR is before Melissa.
DOCTOR Mrs. Robinson? I'm Doctor Handly. Now who is it that you'd like to have us look at?
MELISSA My brother… Eugene.
ANGLE ON ACE - Looking like the football player who never wore a helmet.
ACE I'm ready to go in, Coach. Just give me a chance. I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological. Got to stay in a positive frame of mind. Memorize the play book. Study the films.
Ace strikes a dramatic pose and freezes, with a crazed look on his face.
ACE (CON'T) I'm gonna execute a button-hook pattern!
He begins to make a play in slow motion.
ACE (CON'T) Super slo-mo!
EXT. SHADY ACRES HOSPITAL - DAY
Melissa walks with the Doctor. Patients are sitting around, doing outdoor therapy, etc.
DOCTOR You're brother won't be the first professional football player we've treated.
MELISSA Is that right?
DOCTOR Yes. We're very sensitive to the emotional stress athletes have to endure.
Ace runs across the b.g. screaming "I'm open! I'm open!"
DOCTOR We'll have to do some preliminary evaluations, but I think your brother will fit in nicely here.
MELISSA That's a relief, Doctor.
Ace takes a "snap" from a three-foot hedge and dives over it into the end zone. Melissa and the doctor stop to watch him.
DOCTOR He seems to have some difficulty letting go of the game. Has he had a long history of mental illness?
MELISSA (truthfully) As long as I've known him.
Ace does a wild touchdown dance with some of the other patients participating.
INT. SHADY GLADE ACRES - HALLWAY - DAY
The doctor is showing Melissa around. Ace is walking alongside them adjusting his imaginary shoulder pads.
DOCTOR This is our therapy room… Arts and crafts…
They turn a corner. Ace squats to pick the dirt out of his cleats.
DOCTOR (CON'T) That's the storage room. This hallway leads to another recreational area –
Ace WHISTLES loudly and gestures like a referee…
Ace sticks his head in the water fountain then sits down on the bench outside the storage room.
MELISSA He'll be fine by himself for the next twenty minutes.
DOCTOR Well, why don't I show you the dormitories, then?
They leave Ace.
After a beat, Ace gets up and does a quick spin pattern into the storage room door.
INT. STORAGE ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Cartons everywhere. Ace does a quick search and locates several boxes maked FINKLE.
Ace looks through the first couple of boxes and finds only clothes. In the third box, he hits the jackpot: He finds sicko arts and crafts dedicated to Marino. Die-Dan potholders, shredded Isotoner gloves. He opens a little diary. "Laces Out!" is insanely scrawled on every page.
Ace finds a newspaper clipping, the headline reads:
SEARCH CALLED OFF FOR MISSING HIKER
ACE (reading) A massive search ended today when rescue workers were unable to find the body of Lois Einhorn… (stunned) …a camper reported lost since Friday… (to himself) Lois Einhorn… holy shit balls.
Ace sits bewildered.
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
The phone rings at Emilio's desk. He answers it.
INT. SHADY ACRES - HALLWAY - DAY
Ace is on the phone. A CRAZY GUY is hovering nearby.
ACE This is Chicken Little. The sky is falling.
BACK TO EMILIO
A beat as he listens to Ace's news.
EMILIO I don't get it. What's it mean?
ACE It means she's involved in this. The article's dated the day before Finkle disappeared.
EMILIO Before who disappeared?
ACE Finkle. Ray Finkle… the guy who took the dolphin? The guy you're supposed to be looking for?! Einhorn didn't tell you, did she?
EMILIO Hey, Ace. I see where you're goin' with this and you're goin' alone.
A Crazy Guy stands next to Ace now and begins mimicking everything he says.
ACE Come on, E. I tell her about Finkle, she doesn't tell a soul. I have an article here that connects her with Finkle. You gotta' check her out. (to Crazy Guy mimicking) Do you mind?
The Crazy Guy stops and moves to one of the phones.
EMILIO Ace, I like my job. I get health insurance and benefits.
CRAZY GUY (into receiver) I'm the Lindberg Baby. Come and get me.
ACE Emilio, Einhorn is involved. You're gonna' have to make a decision here. (beat) Listen, I gotta get off the phone. I think I just solved the Lindberg case.
Melissa and the Doctor return.
DOCTOR Well, look who's trying to use the phone.
Ace covers the phone receiver and whispers to them in a heartfelt voice.
ACE Brian Piccalo is dead.
Ace breaks down. Melissa hangs up the phone and leads him away.
We hear a thrash version of the theme to "Brian's Song" as they exit the hospital.
The Love Note
INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
Emilio stands at a window, watching Einhorn drive off. The coast is clear so he sneaks into…
INT. EINHORN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
He rifles through her file cabinet. He tears through papers. Then he looks in her desk.
Stuffed in the back of the drawer he finds a personal note: We can make out the signature. Roger. He pockets it and walks out.
Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn!
INT. ACE'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT
CLOSE UP: ANSWERING MACHINE
Wiggles' nose enters frame and hits the play button.
MESSAGE #1 (Shickadance rasp) Venturaaaa? Your time is up! You're out! You hear me?! No rent… no roof!
We widen to find Ace on the couch listening.
MESSAGE #2 Ace, it's E. Got something you might find interesting. It's a note from Podacter to Einhorn, thanking her for a wonderful Saturday night. This is too weird, man?
ACE Wiggles, rewind.
Wiggles obediently hits another button and rewinds the phone tape. Ace pops sunflower seeds, and holds some evidence aloft thinking. A bird eats seeds out of his naval.
ACE What the hell does Lois Einhorn have to do with Ray Finkle? Come on, think!
Later. Ace is posed like Rodin's "The Thinker".
ACE Finkle and Einhorn. In it together. How? Why?
A small monkey sits in the same position. Mocking Ace.
Later still. Ace pacing, jumping up and down. Trying to get his intuitive juices flowing. The monkey is likewise, jumping on the mantle.
ACE Alright! Here we go! Answer's right there! Just gotta get some blood to the brain! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn!
The animals all watch him like he's crazy.
Daybreak. Ace sits staring at a picture of Finkle on the coffee table. He's totally spent and on the verge of tears.
ACE (whimpering) Finkle and Einhorn. Einhorn and Finkle.
He turns to see the monkey crashed out in a heap on a sofa pillow.
ACE (to sleeping monkey) Quitter.
Wiggles jumps up onto the coffee table now. Ace can't be bothered with him.
ACE What do you want? Huh?
Wiggles whines at the tone of Ace's voice.
ACE (CONT'D) What? I got no food for you. You gotta have money to buy food. I gotta find the dolphin to get the money. I don't see any dolphins around here, do you? Face it, it's hopeless… your master is a LOSER.
Ace buries his face in his hands. His dog Wiggles does the same. Then Ace looks up again.
ACE LOO… HOO…
Suddenly he is silenced by something amazing.
Wiggles' dark haired floppy ears are lying around Finkle's picture like a wig. Ace combs the hair over the head shot. The "make-over" is unmistakable. It's Einhorn!!
ACE Oh, my god! That's it!
He jumps up, estatic.
ACE Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn!… Einhorn is a man!!!
Ace's expression quickly turns sour.
ACE OH MY GOD!!! EINHORN IS A MAN!!!
MUSIC UP: AEROSMITH'S DUD LOOKS LIKE A LADY…
Ace makes a mad dash into the bathroom.
INT. ACE'S BATHROOM - MORNING - QUICK CUTS
…Ace furiously brushes his teeth.
…Ace rinses with mouthwash, spits it out and gags.
…Ace is in the shower. He slowly curls up into a ball under the steaming water with an expression of horror on his face.
Stripped (Of All Pretence)
INT. EINHORN'S HOUSE - DAY
A woman's leg being shaved.
Woman sexily putting on nylons.
Woman hands squeezing perfume bulb.
Woman's hand putting on AFC championship ring. One stone is missing.
EXT. EINHORN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Ace sticks wads of gum in his mouth while he watches Einhorn's house from his car.
ACE (remembering) You're gun is sticking into my hip. Yeeeekkkk!
Einhorn comes out her front door and gets into her car. Ace shudders once more and then follows her.
EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY
The road is jammed in one direction. Going towards the Super Bowl. Einhorn drives in the opposite direction. Out of town. Ace tails her at a safe distance, with his head out the window, of course.
INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY
Various shots of crazy fans, piling into the stadium.
INT. STADIUM OWNER'S BOX - DAY
Melissa, BOBBY RIDDLE, and GUESTS all amidst the usual pre-game hobnobbing. Most of the talk centers on the loss of Marino.
Emilio, in full uniform, and a couple cops are providing extra security for the box.
EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY
Einhorn drives south out of town. The area's getting remote. Ace follows.
Einhorn turns down a deserted road and comes to…
EXT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY
A large, abandoned industrial facility. Einhorn parks, disappears inside…
A few beats later, Ace kills the engine and exits singing the score to "Mission Impossible".
INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY
Immense machines and swimming pool sized cauldrons.
Ace cautiously makes his way through the desolate site, singing quietly now. He stops when he hears a familiar voice.
JOHN MADDEN (O.S.) I particularly like the match-ups of the defense.
Ace sees a weird sight: A HUGE TV PROJECTION SCREEN tuned to the Super Bowl pre-game show. Marino is tied to a football tackling sled. The two thugs take turns running into Dan with their shoulders, driving him back five feet each time.
JOHN MADDEN (ON TV) …But the real story of this game is the absence of Dan Marino. Him being kidnapped and all has got to be a strain on this Miami team. I really feel sorry for those guys! I mean, it's hard enough enduring the pressure of the Super Bowl, without your star quarterback gettin' himself kidnapped. This is the whole ball of wax, folks! You wanna' get kidnapped, you do it in the off season!…
Marino looks incredulously at the screen. Next to him, Snowflake "watches" from a ground level cistern serving as an ad hoc tank.
Ace sneaks closer.
INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY
The crowd quiets as Jon Bon Jovi prepares to sing the National Anthem.
Various shots of fans all standing at attention.
In the owners box, Melissa looks to Emilio. Nothing's new.
INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY
Einhorn is now in front of the big screen TV SINGING the National Anthem along with Bon Jovi. The thugs, VINNIE and ROC, are behind her standing at attention.
The song ends. The crowd cheers.
In a sultry fashion Einhorn circles Marino now.
EINHORN I just love Super Bowl Sunday, don't you, Dan? A magical afternoon where dreams are made… or crushed!
DAN Look lady, if you want tickets, you're going about it in the wrong way.
EINHORN Do I look familiar to you, Dan? Does it seem as if we've met someplace before?
DAN I don't know… I get hit in the head a lot!
On the TV the ref makes an announcement.
REF It's tails. The Eagles will receive.
Dan really struggles now.
EINHORN Oops. Looks like we're going to have to kick, Dan.
Einhorn steps behind a football set up on a tee. And in perfect sync with the kicker on TV, she boots a ball through a window of the warehouse.
Marino doesn't know what to think.
EINHORN I made some refreshments, Dan. Would you like some refreshments, Dan? I'll be right back, Daaaan!!
She goes. Dan struggles, but to no avail.
MARINO Look, I don't know how much psycho woman is paying you guys, but I can double it.
VINNIE Sorry, Danny boy. Psycho woman keeps us out of prison.
Vinnie grabs a feeder fish and entices Snowflake to the surface. Roc raises a football.
ROC Hey, Marino, check it out. I'm throwin' passes to a Dolphin!
He chucks the ball and hits Snowflake, hard. The thugs both laugh hysterically.
Snowflake makes an angry leap and drenches the thugs. Snowflake laughs now, the thugs are furious.
VINNIE Get some more fish!
INT. BEHIND MACHINERY - CONTINUOUS
Roc walks behind a big piece of machinery, reaches down for the pail of smelts, but sees nothing.
ROC Where the hell's the smelts?
He stands up straight and we all hear that familiar "Pop" of a sunflower seed being cracked open.
Roc's eyes widen. He turns and sees…
Ace coyly smiles at him, blows the sunflower seed shells into his face and CLANG! He whacks Roc in the head with a pail full of fish.
ACE (doing Brando) He sleeps with the fishes.
INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - CONTINUOUS
VINNIE Hey Roc, what the hell was that?
Vinnie cocks his gun and goes to check out the sound.
INT. BEHIND MACHINERY - CONTINUOUS
Vinnie rounds the corner and sees nothing. He walks a little further and notices a trail of smelts lined up on the ground.
He follows the trail around a corner and we see Roc, unconscious but moaning. He is sitting against the ground, with his legs spread apart and the pail over his head. The trail of smelts leads to his crotch. There is one halfway into his zipper, with its tail flipping.
Vinnie takes in this sight, then rushes over to Roc and stands him up.
VINNIE Hey man! What happened? What's goin on…?
We see Ace at the top of a giant machine. He is aiming a 200 pound steel hook, that hangs on a chain from the ceiling.
ACE Guess what, boys, it's nap time.
Ace gently releases the hook. Just as Vinnie and Roc turn to look, the iron hook shears both of their heads clean off.
Two headless bodies fall to the ground in slow motion with blood gushing from their necks.
CLOSE ON ACE - HORRIFIED
ACE Hooooly Shiiit! Oh my god! I didn't mean to - Oh man!!!
Ace holds his head and dances around, completely freaking out what he had done.
ACE (looking to God) Lord, I swear! I just wanted to knock them out!
Ace abruptly stops to think.
ACE Is that murder? I don't know. They were gonna kill me. But they didn't… But they tried. That's self defense. That's it!! I have nothing to worry about!!
Ace nervously whistling as he wipes his fingerprints off the hook.
INT. IRONWORKS FACTORY - FACTORY
Ace checks on Snowflake then goes to Marino. He signals for Dan to keep quiet, then starts to untie him.
MARINO (whispers) Who are you?
ACE (whispers) Ace Ventura. Pet detective. I've been sent in with a special play. (whispers) Quarterback sneak.
WE HEAR THE CLICK OF A GUN.
EINHORN (O.S.) Penalty. Too many men on the field.
Ace turns. Einhorn's holding a gun on them from the other side of Snowflake's tank.
EINHORN (CON'T) I warned you, Ventura.
ACE What happened to "Ace"?
EINHORN Good question.
She pulls out a cellular phone and dials.
ACE Be careful with that phone, lieutenant. I wouldn't want you to get a tumor.
EINHORN (into phone) Sergeant Aguado, it's Lt. Einhorn. Get some men over to the old ironworks factory on Victoria Road. I've got the kidnapper trapped in the warehouse. It's Ace Ventura. He's killed Marino and Snowflake.
Einhorn smiles as she puts the phone away.
EINHORN Vinnie! Roc! Get in here!
Ace gets a very guilty look.
ACE What? Who are they? You mean there's other people here?
EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY
A battalion of cop cars screech away as we hear…
RADIO DISPATCHER (V.O.) Attention all units. Code 11 in progress at 343 Victorville Road. Officer needs back-up…
INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM OWNER'S BOX - DAY
The cops and Emilio listen to their ear pieces…
RADIO DISPATCHER (V.O.) …Suspect's name: Ace Ventura, male Caucasian, he is armed and dangerous…
Emilio nudges Melissa.
EMILIO It's Ace. Let's go.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Emilio high tails it out of there. Dodging concession stand patrons, bathroom lines, etc… Melissa runs behind, trying to catch up.
Suddenly, Snowflake leaps out of the water and takes the gun out of Einhorn's hand, like the trick we saw earlier. Snowflake swims around the pool with the gun in his mouth.
ACE (smug) Yes. The highly trained dolphin. Perhaps the smartest mammal in the animal kingdom. See how he knew exactly what I wanted him to do, as if our minds were somehow in complete synchronization. They have been know to save men at sea you know. They have their own language. (to Snowflake) Snowflake. Come here, Snowflake! Bring me the gun! (makes dolphin sounds) EEEEEE! EEEEEE! EEEEEE!
Just like the trick in his routine, however, Snowflake swims around the tank, passes Ace, then hands the gun back to Einhorn. He finishes with a tail walk.
ACE (under his breath) Stupid fish.
ON TV: Miami's kicker boots a perfect field goal from fifty yards.
JOHN MADDEN He got all of his leg into that one!
The field goal kicker is hugged by his teammates.
ACE Good to see someone who doesn't buckle under the pressure?
MARINO Yeah, not like in 82 when we choked…
Einhorn walks to Ace and puts the gun against his head.
EINHORN What would you know about pressure?
ACE Well, I've kissed a man.
JOHN MADDEN (ON TV) Of course, there's never been a more crucial kick than the famous Kick heard 'round the world…
The famous footage airs on TV. They all turn to watch.
JOHN MADDEN …I mean, it's clear to me that it was a good hold. Finkle just booted it.
EINHORN The laces weren't out. THE LACES WEREN'T OUT!!
Einhorn takes a shot at the screen, creating a hole in Madden's forehead. Ace uses the moment to smack the gun out of her hand.
A HUGE, NO-HOLDS-BARRED FIGHT ensues. Ace and Einhorn punch each other about the face and stomach.
Einhorn throws a punch at Ace. Ace goes down.
Einhorn goes for the loose gun. Ace leaps and tackles her.
They both crash into old rusty equipment, raising a mountain of dust. Marino struggles all the while trying to get free.
Einhorn kicks Ace. He flies into Marino.
MARINO Having a little trouble with the lady, Ace?
ACE (out of breath) You don't understand, she's a –
Einhorn grabs Ace, throws him into a head lock and begins wailing on his face.
Meanwhile, cops start arriving, SWAT team members disperse onto the catwalk as the fight continues. They try but can't get a bead on Ace as the two roll around on the floor.
More punches. They fight up a flight of stairs, then back down. To the amazement of the SWAT team, Ace and Einhorn slug it out as equals.
AGUADO (caught up) Get him, Lois!
Now they crash through a plate glass window together. Ace gets to his knees first and wobbles toward the gun. It's the first clear shot the SWAT team has had.
EINHORN (screaming) Shoot him! Shoot him!
We all hear the guns cocked. We see Ace in the rifle sights. We see fingers twitch on triggers.
A loud voice comes from off camera.
EMILIO DON'T SHOOT! HOLD YOUR FIRE!
Melissa is holding Emilio's gun under his chin.
MELISSA Put down your guns or this cop gets it!
The SWAT team hesitates.
MELISSA (CONT'D) I mean it!!
Much to Emilio's surprise, she cocks the gun.
EMILIO (whispers to Melissa) Ah… Melissa? That's a hair trigger. (loud to cops) She's not joking!
The SWAT team leader signals his men. They lower their guns. Einhorn gets back to her feet.
EINHORN He kidnapped Snowflake. He killed Roger Podacter, and he was about to kill Dan Marino and me!
ACE Ho, ho! Fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening. (doing his best Clarence Darrow) For instance, if you were to look up 'professional football's all time bonehead plays', you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a twenty-six yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl Seventeen. (in one breath) What you wouldn't read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, and was committed to a mental institute, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hker, seducing her way to the top, in a diabolical plan to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the entire thing!!!
Ace gasps for air. Everyone is totally confused.
AGUADO What the hell are you trying to say?
ACE She's not Lois Einhorn! She's Ray Finkle! She's a man!
EINHORN He's lying! Shoot him!
Ace walks over to her.
ACE Let's just see who's lying. Would a real woman have to wear one of these?
Ace dramatically pulls at Einhorn's hair, thinking it's a wig. Einhorn's head flies back. The hair is real. Ace keeps tugging it.
The SWAT team ready themselves.
ACE (CONT'D) Boy, that's really on there! But tell me this: Would a real woman be missing these?!
Ace rips open Einhorn's blouse, and reveals two beautiful feminine breasts.
The sharp shooters are tensing. Ace is laughing nervously now.
ACE Ha, ha, ha! That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend! But I doubt if she could find the time during her busy schedule to get rid of Mr. Knish!!
Ace rips off Einhorn's skirt. Einhorn now stands there fully nude. She appears to be the perfect figure of a woman.
ACE Oooh boy.
Ace looks at Melissa and Emilio and shrugs his shoulders. Then, just when it seems all is lost, Dan Marino who is back behind Einhorn, motions for Ace to come over.
MARINO Psst… Ace. Come here.
ACE (to everyone) Could you excuse me just a second.
Ace goes to Dan. Melissa still holds Emilio hostage.
EINHORN Shoot him. Shoot him, now!!
MELISSA (to cops) Don't anybody make a move!
Marino whispers something in his ear. Ace looks confident again. He once more addresses the crowd.
ACE Ladies and gentlemen, my esteemed colleague Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal minds can be wrong, from time to time. But, if I have been mistaken… if the lieutenant is indeed a woman… then my friends, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen!!!
Ace spins Einhorn around now, exposing to the world, the healthy set of male genetalia that Finkle has learned to keep tucked between his legs. (And if we have any balls, we'll actually show it.)
Everyone gasps. CLOSE UP ON EINHORN/FINKLE. He finally drops the facade.
FINKLE (deepest voice possible) It was Marino's fault. The laces were in. (breaking down now) They were IN!!!
Quick cuts of all the cops spitting with disgust. Then Emilio spits.
Then CLOSE ON Marino spitting. They all have kissed her/him/it. Even Snowflake blows his spout.
Ace confidently cracks a sunflower seed.
ACE Somebody read it its rights.
Suddenly, Finkle picks up a shard of broken glass and lunges at Ace.
FINKLE DIE ANIMAL BOYYYYY!!!
Thinking fast Ace sidesteps Finkle and sends him head first into Snowflake's makeshift tank. After a few seconds Finkle fights his way to the surface and thrashes around, helplessly.
FINKLE (gasping for air) Help I can't swim!!!
Finkle goes under again. We see him under water sinking down.
Snowflake swims to him now, allowing him to grab onto his fin and pulls Finkle gently to the side of the pool. Finkle lies there exhausted.
Ace reaches down into frame, removing the '82 AFC Championship ring from Finkle's finger. We see that it's the ring with the missing stone. Ace replaces it with the stone in his pocket. It's a perfect fit.
ACE LLLOOOSER! LLOO HOO SERR HERR HERR!!!
Melissa is still holding the gun on Emilio.
EMILIO Melissa… you can give me back my gun now.
Melissa has forgotten she even had the gun. She hands it to Emilio and faints in his arms.
Now Aguado appears beside Ace.
AGUADO I don't know how you did it, Ventura… but that was damn good police work. Alright guys, let's wrap this up!